North Bloomfield, CA — After a two month investigation of a remote abandoned mine, local authorities in cooperation with Federal law enforcement have broken up an elaborate terrorist operation in Northern Californian state park Malakoff Diggins.
“We got ’em,” said a spokesman for the Nevada County Sheriff’s department. “Initially we thought this was another honey oil operation until we saw various men coming and going who did not fit the profile of a typical ‘North San Juan ridge’ production facility. It was clear after the second day of surveillance that we needed to bring the Feds in.”
ISIS, or the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, is a United Nations designated terrorist group responsible for human rights abuses and war crimes. Amnesty International has reported ethnic cleansing by the group on a “historic scale”. Originally called the Jama’at al-Tawhid wal-Jihad or JATWJ, the leadership decided to change the name to ISIS in 2006 to get Westerners to take them more seriously with a more onerous acronym. The terrorist group is believed to have “sleeper cells” throughout the world waiting to attack unsuspecting “infidels.” Officials believe this latest discovery to be a sleeper cell in Nevada County.
According to sources close to the Sierra Nevada foothills park raid, officials and police seized automatic weapons, laptops and a rather large cache of Ranch Salad dressing and deer pictures. They also found several receipts from local same-day check cashing/payday loans services.
“Yeah, the salad dressing thing is weird,” continued the Sheriff’s spokesman, “but these fringe groups always have some strange artifact. We’ve seen this with the apocalyptic, end-of-the-world types who hoard beans and rice and Beatles memorabilia. It’s odd.”
Apparently some members of the sleeper cell were using fake Facebook profiles to infiltrate the over 372 Nevada County Facebook groups. According to an administrator of the popular Nevada County Peeps Facebook group, they were able to stamp out these terrorist “trolls” back in October.
“We sniffed those fake profiles out almost immediately,” said a “Peeps” administrator who insisted on remaining anonymous. “We don’t put up with that and put several other profiles on alert.”
When asked how the “Peeps” were able to identify fake terrorist profiles 3 months before the FBI raid, the administrators were quite confident.
“Look,” continued the administrator, “anytime you have anyone carrying on about deer, you know you’ve got a troll. And come on. Ranch dressing? That’s a dead giveaway for an Islamic terrorist. We also have a secret troll/terrorist-finding formula that is foolproof.”
When asked to elaborate on their secret terrorist troll formula, the Peeps administrator declined to comment saying “it’s a private thing, but we know one when we see one.”
The captured terrorists were removed from the cave and transported immediately to the Guantanamo Bay prison located in Cuba.