Pasadena, CA — According to CalTech astrophysicist Dr. Tral Aldrich, there is a distinct possibility that the popular form of music known as ‘Rock N’ Roll’ is really just a euphemism for fornication. Dr. Aldrich, who has written extensively on String Theory and alternative universes, maintains that what we see and perceive on a daily basis may not be real, however in the case of the Rock N’ Roll, it may indeed be about sexual intercourse.
“OK,” said Dr. Aldrich in a Scooper telephone interview. “I can’t take credit for this discovery, but I did work out the equations. There’s this computer scientist in Mountain View, California. His name is Ryan Wolford and he’s one of the lead engineers on their self-driving car project. They were having trouble with their cars getting stuck in roundabouts. He was working on an algorithm to fix that when he saw some data that really confused him. That’s when he contacted me.”
According to the study, which is under peer review by fellow Caltech professors, Rock-n-Roll music might be about sex and other sexual acts. More startling, is that it seems to be a prank being played out by what Dr. Aldrich calls “an extra-verse deity” who seems to be manipulating certain segments of the population into either ignoring the fact that the form of popular music is about adult topics, nor simply not caring about it.
“So that’s the part that is going to be the hardest thing for people to understand,” continued Dr. Aldrich. “And I know I had the hardest time coming to grips with it myself. But the math keeps telling us the same thing no matter how many times I refactor it. Rock N’ Roll is another way of saying sex. From our perspective, it seems ridiculous to assert such a theory, but careful examination of Ryan Wolford’s data, along with my analysis, tells us that it’s true.”
The Scooper reached out to Ryan Wolford at his Potrero Hill apartment in San Francisco, California to find out how he stumbled upon this remarkable discovery.
“So, I got assigned to fix what had become a huge embarrassment for Google,” said a disheveled and tired Mr. Wolford, “And it got assigned to me because I took one of our self-driving car prototypes out for a joy ride to see my brother in North San Juan [California]. After it got stuck in the roundabout for over 2 hours, my boss said I had to fix that issue as punishment for taking the car without asking. So I started on my ‘circle algorithm’ which iterated through billions of circle calculations looking for patterns. And that’s when my 1 exaFLOP rig started spitting out nonsense data. Well, it was nonsense at first.”
According to Mr. Wolford, the data made no sense at all when he first saw it. And he thought that his algorithm was broken, until he started noticing prime numbers repeating at regular intervals.
When Mr. Wolford heard back from him, he was shocked at what he learned.
“So basically this Caltech guy said my data had crazy implications for our understanding of reality,” said a mood-elevated Mr. Wolford who seemed confused by his own words. “He said, ‘Ryan, this might be one of the most important discoveries of our time.’ Or some strange thing like that. Anyhow, then he went on to talk about string theory and deities controlling everything like a board game or something. I was just hoping he’d help me with my roundabout problem. Whatever, it’s just fucking music.”