TrumpWorld – The debate is over: Donald Trump’s mystery hairdo is not a badly constructed wig nor is it a desperately coiffed comb over. It’s an alien spider that has woven a dense, messy web as camouflage as it sucks intelligence out of The Donald’s brain.
Although it’s been rumored by conspiracy theorists for years, The Scooper has obtained an exclusive photo of The Donald’s spider wig roaming the nighttime corridors of a luxury hotel while the billionaire psychopath and would-be president sleeps deeply, drugged by hubris and greed.
No one knows what the alien spider wig is looking for in the hours before dawn. Perhaps a mate, perhaps a better anti-dandruff shampoo. Most of those who have seen it have been too frightened to approach the menacing creature.
“I was so afraid,” admitted hotel night janitor, Delwood Frater. “It hissed at me. It ran one way, and I ran the other. I was afraid of an anal probe. You know those aliens.”
Former hotel detective Brett Salsa reported he tried to apprehend the skittering spider wig, but, “It was too fast, you know. It had eight legs, and I only had two.”
Salsa reported he and two Secret Service agents made leaping dives at the spider wig, but the speedy wig quickly slithered under the Trump Suite’s door.
The agents and the hotel private dick broke into Trump’s opulent room and called for Trump while frantically searching for the intruder.
Sleepy and grumpy, but elegantly dressed in a Chinese silk robe (part of his international relations strategy) Trump emerged from a bedroom. He was still arranging his hair, stuffing spider legs back under the wig.
“What’s the meaning of this?” The Donald demanded. His tone suggested he was going bowling with live heads.
“I’ve always been one to call it as I see it, ” Salsa told The Scooper. “ So I told Mr. Trump we chased a hairy spider thing into here and – and now, sir, it, uh, it appears to be on your head.”
“Mr. Trump turned beet red and his hair spun completely around,” Salsa recalled. “You break into my suite at Four in the morning for another bad hair joke?”
“Mr. Trump leaned directly in my face – and I swear I could see four beady eyes staring at me just inside his hairline,” Salsa said. He uttered two words I’ll never forget:
Salsa, who now works as a dance instructor, shuddered with the memory. “Mr. Trump tried to fire the Secret Service agents too, but he couldn’t because they had federal jobs,” he laughed.
The Scooper contacted Dr. Aldous Flux, a noted arachnologist from the New Mexico Institute of Mining and Technology, but he was unimpressed. “It looks like a badly Photoshop-ed wig on top of a tarantula.”
Thus, the mystery of why every day is a bad hair day for Donald Trump remains unsolved – and so does the rumored existence of an alien spider controlling The Donald’s words and deeds.