Lake Pistachio, FL — When Delbert Clarendon heard that Marco Rubio had decided to run for re-election to the Senate in his state, he immediately wrote an email to the editor of his local newspaper, which was published on Sunday. In it, Clarendon demand that Rubio, who had initially said he would not seek to retain his Senate seat as he was running for president at the time, submit to a drug test before being put on the ballots in The Dong-Shaped State.
“Let’s be dispel this myth right now that Marco Rubio is a clueless dimwit and he doesn’t know what he’s doing,” Clarendon’s email began, “Marco Rubio knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s mooching off the taxpayer, and in this state I’m told that we make people who take money while they’re not working pee into a cup to make sure they’re not on drugs.”
Clarendon, who is not registered with either party, told our reporter via a phone interview that he finds the idea of sending his hard-earned tax dollars to Washington, D.C. to pay for Rubio’s salary “insulting” because Rubio “hardly ever shows up to work.”
Last December, The Hill reported that Rubio and Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) were the biggest truants in the Senate. Rubio missed 35% of the votes held in the Senate in 2015. Mr. Clarendon said that kind of attendance record would get Rubio “booted the fuck out” of any private sector job. He said that as an electrician, if he missed 35% of his scheduled appointments he’d be “broke, clientless and on the dole.”
“Obviously he just can’t find a job anywhere else,” Clarendon said of Rubio, adding, “Well, being a conservative I am sure he understands the public’s need to be able to trust those who take taxpayer dollars while not working. And clearly, if you’ve watched Marco in the Senate, you couldn’t call anything he does ‘working.'”
Reached for comment, Rubio said after taking several gulps of water from a nearby water bottle just out of his reach, “I’m not the one who needs to be drug tested. It’s anyone who sees that I missed over one third of the votes, which is the most important part of my job, and still votes for me. Those are the suckers — excuse me, American patriots — you need to check to see if they’re on drugs or not. And let’s dispel this myth right now that Barack Obama doesn’t know what he’s…”
Rubio trailed off and sparks came out of his mouth, followed by steam from his ears, and a blue screen appeared over the pupils of his eyes. It took engineers two hours to get him rebooted.
This story is developing.