Grass Valley, CA –Seeking to expand revenues and create a place where the local “good old boys” can hang out, the Grass Valley Chamber of Commerce announced plans to convert the headquarters into a full-service bar. The move, which has been in the planning phases for over a year, is expected to launch sometime during the summer of 2016.
“The bar will feature all kinds of liquor at competitive prices,” said CEO of the Greater Grass Valley Chamber of Commerce Keith Davies. “It will be a place to hang out, make deals and figure out a way to end then this marijuana problem in Nevada County, because we know the marijuana business is just about money and profit. And we here at the Chamber hate that kind of capitalist crap.”
Details are slim at the moment, the new establishment will be open during regular “bar hours” and is planning on accepting AA Sobriety Coins for a free drink. Also, no one under 45 will be allowed to enter the premises unless invited by a more senior member of the community. At the time of this writing, cocaine will not be allowed on the premises.
“The idea is simple,” continued Mr. Davies. “We are looking to support those kinds of business that make Nevada County a nice place where people can retire and not have to worry about the kind of young riff-raff that you see in Venice Beach or Boulder, Colorado, you know? If we allow this marijuana thing to go unchecked, next thing you’ll know is we’ll have a torrent of young people flooding here. And they’ll just stand around our streets, just staring at you. Is that the kind of Nevada County we want?”
When asked why alcohol was OK, but marijuana was not, Mr. Davies bristled.
“Look, marijuana is a drug and it’s currently illegal,” said an angry Mr. Davies. “Marijuana turns people into crazy monsters. All you want is more and more, so you can do things faster and faster to make more money to buy more. Get it? I know what I’m talking about. It’s a drug. Alcohol is something that responsible adults drink. Marijuana is for criminals because it’s against the law.”