Cupertino, CA — According to documents distributed by WikiLeaks, the United States nuclear launch codes apparently found their way onto the popular computer-based version of iTunes, Apple Computer’s application used for syncing data between devices. According to authorities close to the investigation, it is unclear if all the launch codes made it to the popular program. However officials are assuring the public that after the leak was discovered, the Federal Government immediately updated the secret letters and numbers using character/punctuation combinations that will be literally impossible for anyone in the White House to remember.
“We discovered the leak after a 17 year old woman from Tallahassee, Florida posted a screen shot of a suspicious app on Instagram 8 months ago,” said United States Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security Elaine Duke in an early morning press conference. “Apple immediately removed the application, however with the recent WikiLeaks revelation, we want to assure Americans that the nuclear codes are safe.”
The application, which was called Nuclear Numbers was available for free with an option to get more numbers for the “pro” upgrade of $2.99. The game was marketed at 18-24 year olds and authored by a suspicious and fake middle eastern sounding “I-Bin Pharteen.”
Insiders close to the Homeland Security investigation say it’s unclear how what was assumed to be the most secure password on Earth ended up on iTunes, but some have speculated that it may have a link with Hillary Clinton’s email server scandal. Even more concerning, more than one investigator suggested that there might have been an odd “game” President Obama and then Secretary Clinton might have been playing with the numbers.
“Yeah, that’s the weird and scary part,” said one anonymous DHS insider. “There is evidence suggesting that the former President and Ms. Clinton where playing a ‘guess the number’ game over email. And that those numbers were intercepted by non-American friendly forces and converted into an iTunes app.”
According Press Secretary Sean Spicer, this is one more example of the leaky infrastructure that both Hillary Clinton and President Obama encouraged, and that President Trump is trying to fix.
“First off, we all know that the Democrats lost the election,” said Secretary Spicer in an impromptu early morning press conference. “And this is what President Trump has inherited. And given the gravity of this recent WikiLeaks claim, the President hasn’t ruled locking-up the people who did this.”
The FBI and other law enforcement agencies had no comment other than no charges will probably be filed because this is exactly the kind of game former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice used to play President Bush.